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The Great Science Fiction Writers Christmas Stuffing '03
01/12/2003 . Source: Orbit Books Team 
An all-star lineup of authors - including Tom Holt, Robert Jordan, Juliet E. McKenna, Laurell K. Hamilton, David Brin and Tad Williams - interviewed with a few seasonally pertinent questions. Ho ho ho. Which famous SFF figure (writer or character) would you most like to bring to a Christmas party? And which of your own creations would you invite to pull a cracker or two?
Tom Holt: 'On the assumption that the Christmas dinner party is our regular family bash, I'd invite Aragorn; on the grounds that after months living on stale lembas, liberated Orc field rations (probably pot noodles) and the occasional spit-roasted squirrel, even our version of turkey & sprouts would be welcome. I wouldn't invite any of my characters, not ever. We aren't on speaking terms.'
Robert Jordan: 'Robert Heinlein and J.R.R. Tolkien. I'd go for Mark Twain and Jane Austen, but you did say SFF. And writers are, one hopes, more fascinating than any of their characters because they contain all of their characters, who might be let out if the wine flows freely. Heinlein and Tolkien were two very interesting and very different men, with a few similarities I believe, and it is the precise mesh of differences and similarities that make for brilliant dinner table conversation.
If I could have a third, I'd make it John M. Ford. I know exactly what sort of dinner companion Mike is, and his presence at a table with Heinlein and Tolkien would guarantee an evening of marvellous conversation. Between the three of them, they'd make sure that everybody sparkled, if only by being pulled along in their slipstream.'
Max Barry: 'I'd definitely take Philip K. Dick, my literary hero. Of course, given his, uh, unique personality, I'd probably have to keep him away from everybody else. At least, until the party really got going.
Then he'd be yelling that aliens had dressed up as crab grass in order to kill us all, but he might not be the only one. From my own books, I'd bring along Jennifer Government - that barcode tattoo would be an instant conversation-starter. Also, if there was a need for crowd control, she's perfect.'
Juliet E. McKenna: 'Hmmm - I'd be looking for someone who'd help get a party going, so I reckon Meriadoc Brandybuck would just about fit the bill. From my own work? I'd like to see a party get going, not get totally out of hand, so I'd opt for Charoleia, who could be relied on for entertaining gossip without the possibility of random magic or a fight breaking out.'
Laurell K. Hamilton: I think Robert E. Howard for one. First, he was one of the writers that inspired me as youth. Second, I'd love to see if I could talk him out of committing suicide at such an early age. I've always wondered what else he would have written, and made of his life, he had not let despair destroy him. Of my own characters?
Well, how could I choose, and if I did, would everybody else be mad at me? As for writers, maybe Robert Louis Stevenson, gotta love a writer that wrote both Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, and Treasure Island. Or Louisa May Alcotte. She was a hero of mine when I was young, and an inspiration. She wrote a great deal more than Little Women, though most people don't seem to know that.
Ian Graham: 'My chosen dinner guest would be H.P. Lovecraft - as long as he promised to tell a few eerie tales. Stories of the supernatural - or, in Lovecraft's case, the supernormal - almost always create a cosy, convivial mood. So I wish you all a Cthulhu Christmas . . . In one way or another, most of my characters are reprehensible. I wouldn't invite any of them to a dinner party. In particular I would strenuously avoid bringing Ballas along. He'd guzzle every drop of booze then steal away with the presents!'
Kate Elliott: 'Mary Shelley, arguably the mother of us all. I would invite the Mary of the later, less "notorious" years, the woman who wrote The Last Man and supported her son with her writing. From my own creations, I would bring Brother Fortunatus, faithful acolyte of Sister Rosvita. He's smart, he's funny, he's clever, and he's a bit of a gossip - that is, he's always entertaining and agile in social situations.'
Steve Cockayne: 'It would have to be Mervyn Peake - he was such an elusive, enigmatic figure, and his 'Gormenghast' series has been more of an inspiration to me than anything else I can name. And, of course, he was one of the few authors to have been his own illustrator - making his vision all the more complete.
From my own characters I would choose Laurel Greening. Although she's treacherous and dangerous and self-seeking,, she's marvellous company and has plenty of tales to tell. I'd just have to be extra careful not to invite her home with me!'
Tad Williams: 'Previous to being a grown-up guy I would probably have opted for some incredibly good-looking and devastatingly clever female heroine type, but since I already married one I suppose I'd go for something different here - historical value, perhaps, a la H. G. Wells, or self-improvement with Michael Valentine Smith (protagonist of Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land).
Since he taught all those other people how to do magic with their brains, perhaps Mike could do that for me as well while we're waiting for dessert.'
David Brin: 'My hero, who would have been a sci fi writer if he did not reinvent this world, would be Ben Franklin, the guiding force who turned the theories of the Enlightenment into the gritty, practical stuff of today. It is told that any party that invited Ben had to hire armed guards to keep out all the gatecrashers who wanted to take part.
He may not have written SF per se. He simply made it possible - and permissible for the rest of us to do it. As to my own characters ... would dolphins actually be welcome, stomping about on their mechanical walkers and wolfing down whole barrels of raw squid, between expositions of zenlike haiku? I'd love to meet such people, but I'd much rather attend their celebrations than invite them to ours. I mean, really.'
What Christmas trimming would you demand to be included on the menu?
Elizabeth Moon: 'No demands: if I don't cook it, I don't make demands on the person who does. Any large hunk of protein (ham, goose, turkey, roast of beef) will do. But I do like something on the dessert tray to be chocolate...'
Tom Holt: 'The brains of my enemies, chopped up fine, served on the half-skull with a sharpened sprig of holly viciously stabbed into each one. Proverbially best eaten cold.' (Ezine backed away from Tom rather quickly at this point!)
Kate Elliott: 'As the author of a six volume trilogy I feel obliged to ask for two items: red cabbage - called rød kaal in Danish - cooked down with apple cider vinegar and currant jelly, and my absolute favorite of all time, peber nødder; these tiny, hazulnut-sized cookies are made with butter, cream, flour, sugar, egg, and a blend of cinnamon, cloves, ginger, and nutmeg.'
Ken MacLeod: 'Cranberry sauce. It's the only thing that makes turkey edible. It's not an accident that there are about 360 days in the year we don't eat turkey.'
David Brin: ' The mind reaches ... how about the seasoning that Valentine Michael Smith added to the soup at the end of Stranger in a Strange Land? No, I'm not that strange. I'll settle for some Dune spice and Niven's Boosterspice, the better to see you all with... till I'm one hundred and eighty.'
Steve Cockayne: 'Science Fiction characters often seem to live on vitamin pills and dehydrated food, but Fantasy characters generally have a much better time at the table. My characters have been accused of eating too much cake, so I'm sure they'll enjoy a piece of Christmas cake. My personal weakness is for chocolate, but I've managed to keep it out of my books so far.'
Martin Millar: 'I'm not a big eater. Does whisky count as a Christmas trimming? If so I'd like a bottle of Glenmorangie on the table, to finish off the meal. Possibly we could put a little santa hat on top of the bottle...'
And what SFF movie would you all collapse in front of after the feast?
Ken MacLeod: 'Star Wars, of course. This is Christmas, after all.'
Robert Jordan: 'Not one, I fear. The Fellowship of the Ring and the Two Towers, back to back, in the expanded versions. Pull an all-nighter over brandy and cigars. Mr Heinlein would be fascinated by the special effects and how they were done, as well as by the story, of course. Mr Tolkien could grumble about what the movies had done to his books.
I've never known a writer who didn't enjoy grumbling, at least in private, about what the movies had done to his book. And Mike and I could just enjoy. Maybe we'd toss in Pirates of the Caribbean and make it a true all-nighter. I went to a charity Halloween ball as Captain Black Jack Sparrow (hair beads by Elise Mattheson), and I am told the resemblance between me and Johnny Depp was amazing. Especially around the eyes. The eyes took two women half an hour to get done!'
Andy Remic: 'Blade Runner, The Thing, The Fifth Element and Starship Troopers back-to-back, enjoying the huge comedy social moments in each film'
Max Barry: 'I'd say The Matrix, but then afterwards we might get melancholy about how a terrific movie was spoiled by such a crappy sequel. So Aliens. No, wait, the same thing applies. Star Wars, then. No, damn! Okay, I'm going with Invasion of the Body Snatchers. If nothing else, it'll push Philip K. Dick right over the edge.'
Terry Brooks: 'Is there any question? Nine hours plus of The Lord of the Rings!'
Martin Millar: 'We'd watch the Buffy musical episode, and sing along...'
Tad Williams: 'Even though it's about the wrong holiday I think the SFF movie most in tune with Christmas is actually Groundhog Day. It's a fabulous comedy, and one of the few films to use an SFF trope like being stuck in one day over and over and take it seriously - really work it through all its permutations and likely outcomes.
Plus the message itself is very similar to Dickens' A Christmas Carol in that it's about being placed outside time for a chance to achieve redemption. And of course, it's just damned funny.'
Thanks to Orbit Books (and Ben Sharpe) for permission to post this interview. For more details of their SFF authors and books, visit Orbit at www.orbitbooks.co.uk 
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